


don't urge me to leave you

by satisfysomemorbidcuriosity



Category: Saving Hope
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 07:58:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11398368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satisfysomemorbidcuriosity/pseuds/satisfysomemorbidcuriosity
Summary: just a short little fic about maggie and sydney and their journey





	don't urge me to leave you

**Author's Note:**

> it started off with a point and then i got distracted and now it's this. i read it through really quickly for the first time since may, when i wrote it, on my phone in the middle of the night. i changed a little bit and fixed some of the typos i found (and probably not all of them). hope you enjoy, even if i do believe it loses track and changes style half way through :)
> 
> i love this ship and i wish they'd only had a little more time

Sydney knew she was jealous. She's given the gift certificate to Maggie, knowing she'd probably ask someone. And then given it to James, knowing he would too. But she didn't think Maggie would go with him. Seeing them walking down the stairs, Sydney experienced a flurry of emotions. Happiness, lust, butterflies, before her realisation. Then sadness, jealousy, pain.

Until she heard "You should come with us. I hear they have a kosher salad bar."

When she accepted, she knew it would be awkward but Sydney knew Maggie wouldn't ask if she didn't want her there. Wouldn't ask if she didn't want her around despite her original company. But they drank a little, laughed a lot, got to know each other more. Well, Sydney got to know James more. She already knew Maggie really well, she guessed.

But she didn't expect to be here. Dr Dey left on foot, walking towards his home a few blocks from the restaurant, leaving Maggie and Sydney to wait for the car they'd called. They lived on the other side of town, it was pointless to take two. They both insisted he go home, they would be fine. Sydney didn't expect to end up a few minutes later, back up against the wall next to the building, Maggie's mouth on hers. But she wasn't exactly stopping her. Her hands grabbing Maggie's elbows, her waist, her back. Pulling her closer, closer, closer. Until she couldn't move any more.

One of them moaned, or both of them, Sydney couldn't be sure. Maggie's hands had slipped into her coat, tugging past her cardigan and her shirt, touching the skin of her hips and lower back.

"We should..."

"Yeah." Pulling back, they took note more of their surroundings than of each other, and Sydney jolted when Maggie's hand grasped her and started pulling. "Taxi's here." She explained.

They got into the car and Sydney noticed Maggie only gave him her address and didn't expect Sydney to give her own. So that's where this is going, she thought.

She knew how it happened again, she couldn't resist Maggie no matter how hard she tried. And of course she tried. She was engaged, her and Herschel are getting married in a few weeks. She couldn't keep doing this to him.

But as she lay, head on Maggie's bare chest, Maggie's fingers running through her hair, she couldn't find a single bone in her body that cared. She was happy.

Sydney knows in that moment that it can't last. She can't break it off with Herschel even if she's... gay. There's no way. Her parents would disown her like Neshama's did. Her sister would, too. Her community would shun her for being gay. Coming out means no turning back. Once she's out, she's out.

And so she avoids Maggie. After that night, the next morning, the awkwardly running into Alex on her way out of the apartment and excusing it as them going out for drinks and being close by and Maggie offered for her to stay. But she knew Alex knew different. There was no way she was coming out of Maggie's room after THAT and it not showing all over her face. She just hoped they were quiet enough. She would never live it down otherwise. Sydney knows that trusting Alex is a no brainer. Hope Zion may be a cesspool of rumours but Alex wouldn't add to the mix knowing all of hers out there.

So, avoidance. Maggie is her student so she can't ignore her during working hours but sydney manages to escape every room they're in together when it isn't medically necessary for an entire week. Until she can't any longer.

Maggie corners her in the call room, door shut, blinds closed. She's lying on one the beds, eyes closed, but Sydney knows it's her. Recognises her steps at this point. She keeps her eyes closed, hoping Maggie thinks she's asleep and leaves her be, and she thinks it works until the bed dips and a hand is placed on her leg.

"I know you're awake, Syd."

She opens her eyes.

"You know, if you wanted to tell me you don't want to see me anymore, you could have just said and I'd have left you alone. You didn't have to avoid and ignore me all week."

"It's not that, Maggie."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm getting married, Maggie. I can't do this." Sydney gestures between the two of them.

"What? Sleep with me? See me?"

"Anything. Don't you get that?" Sydney pushes herself up into a sitting position. "Every time I'm near you, I just want to kiss you. I want to be with you all the time and I can't do that. I-" She cuts herself off.

"I want you more than I've wanted anyone but I'm engaged. I'm orthodox. I can't be with you and respect my family, my life, still."

"You deserve to be happy, Sydney. That's what it comes down to. Your happiness is the most important part of this." Maggie leans close, gently kissing Sydney before pulling back and getting off the bed. "You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. No matter what."

And so she comes out. After Herschel has a tape worm, thinks he's dying, reveals he ate pork. Sydney knows that he still wants to marry her and believes her to be true and honest. And she knows she can't be happy and live her life if she's lying to herself and everyone around her.

And when he asks about Maggie, she can't lie. She doesn't say anything but he knows. And Sydney knows that she won't have to even tell her parents if Herschel tells his first. She hopes he gives her that, even if at this point she doesn't feel like she deserves it.

Sydney goes back to the call room and texts Maggie, says she needs her. And Maggie comes. She tells Syd she'll be alright, they laugh and hold hands. Sydney moves and her head lands on Maggie's shoulder, Maggie's arm moves around her body and she's crying. It's not much, at first, and then she's sobbing and Maggie holds her, rocks her, kisses the top of her head. Keeps her grounded.

Sydney gets to tell her parents. she doesn't wait long, she doesn't have the time. So she goes a few days later and talks to them all. Sitting in her parents living room, them and her sister in front of her, she says it out loud again. She changes her life, again. "I'm gay" is breathed quietly into the air in front of her, but it's enough. Her parents eyes close, her sisters wet with tears. Her father hardens and asks her if it's true or if she's just trying to get out of her marriage. She tells him it's true, her truth. She's gay, it's not a lie. He tells her to leave and with tears in her own eyes, she pleads one last time before stepping out of their home.

She doesn't call Maggie like she wants to. She thinks she is burdening her with it all, so when she sees Maggie at work the next day, it takes all of her willpower not to break in her arms again.

But she does. Eventually. And Maggie soothes her once more and tells her how well it went for her, telling her mum that she's into girls too. She thought it wasn't a big deal but she wanted her mum to know that she might end up with a woman one day. It is still a part of her. And she thanks Sydney for bringing it out in her.

That is what makes Sydney realise. She wasn't the only one going through something with this. Maggie was straight, or thought she was. And then she's flattered and embarrassed because how could she bring that out in someone? She's just her, in her dowdy skirts and her Israeli disposition. And Maggie knows, Maggie tells her.

"You are that, but you're also sweet. You understand me, helped me when I was down. Syd, you care so much about everyone and everything. You're beautiful, inside and out. God, I was taken back a little bit when we first met. I was too shocked that you were younger than me and my boss to really think about it.

We might be different and our experiences are different right now, but you? I couldn't have avoided falling for you, even if I tried."

And they're both teary and kissing and laughing. And they remember that they're both single now so this means something more. It has potential to be something more than it was now. It's scary but exhilarating.

* * *

 

She gets a call a month later, her and Maggie have been seeing each other on and off for those weeks, when time permits but they didn't make it official in any capacity. Sydney was still trying to come to grips with her new reality, they thought it best not to put a relationship on top of that.

The call she gets, it's from a prestigious hospital in Montreal. Not too far away but far enough that it means leaving would be leaving Maggie behind. But Sydney always said she will put her career ahead of everything, take every opportunity given to her. And so she goes. She goes to Montreal and leaves Hope Zion, Maggie, and those memories behind without so much as a goodbye. She knows she'll regret not saying goodbye to Maggie at least, but Maggie didn't reach out when she'd gone either.

Sydney knew there were infinite possibilities in the world, that anything could happen and anyone could come into your life. Which is why, when Elena came into her life, she went with it. She too, was a doctor. Not her student this time, not her catalyst. Just Elena. She thought she could love Elena, eventually. She hoped, at least.

There was one moment in her time in Montreal that she ran into Neshama and Ruth, with their baby girl. Although they weren't ever going to be great friends, Neshama wasn't one to miss the fact that Sydney no longer wore her traditional and modest clothing, or more importantly, that she held the hand of another woman.

But they did meet again, for coffee. And Sydney explained to her how she was scared of being gay. That it was no excuse for what she did but hoped Neshama would understand why she did it. And she tells her that she was sort of with Maggie, before. Neshama forgives Sydney, accepts her apology. Laughs with her, reminisces with her. Listens and talks with Sydney. They know that would probably be it, they may email one another every now and then but there was no need. They had gotten what they'd both needed and they could move forward. Neshama was happy, Sydney was happy, and forgiven.

* * *

 

Sydney gets that call, one day. Just one small phone call from her patient and back to Hope Zion she goes. Elena has already gone to Israel and Sydney emails her to tell her that she will be there. But she doesn't expect Maggie to be hurt like she is.

So she worries. And Maggie would laugh and tell her she's Jewish mothering her and then shush her and tell her she's fine. Sydney just wishes she'd wake up.

Alex comes up to her when Maggie is in surgery and says something Sydney didn't expect. "You love her, don't you?" No response. Alex was pulled away quicker than she'd asked that question. But she hadn't needed an answer anyway.

Sydney knew she couldn't love Maggie but knew she did anyway. There was no way to stop it, to push it down, throw it away. Maggie was the one that she left, the one she thought about every single day. The woman she compared others to despite not wanting to and knowing it was a horrible thing to do. And knowing none of them compared, not even Elena.

When Maggie woke up, Sydney was expecting her to just be aloof, distant. Sydney had up and left without a word. But she wasn't. She grabbed her hand, asked her to stay. And when Sydney started to cry, single tears one by one, she reached up and wiped them away. She moved over in her small hospital bed and tugged on Sydney's hand until she lay beside her.

And they stayed like that for hours, around check ins from Alex and Shahir, Zack, Charlie... Sydney stayed right there. She tried to move when someone came in but Maggie held her in place. She wanted Sydney there.

Sydney knew she shouldn't do this, shouldn't stay, shouldn't love Maggie like she does. She knew if she checked her phone, she would have a new email waiting for her, maybe two. It'd been hours since she had last looked and wasn't in a big hurry to do so. She knew it was unfair to Elena and she wished she cared more in that moment.

But then Maggie was up, feeling better, working. And Sydney was leaving for Israel. Leaving again. Leaving Maggie, again.

Maggie walks her out and she kissed Sydney, just once, lightly. "I owed you one." A throwback to their first kiss. But Sydney was turning back, looking and Maggie who was watching her go. Knowing that it was possibly the last time they'd see each other. Knowing that Maggie was the only almost Sydney ever thinks about, that they're each other's 'one that got away'. Knowing she'd probably never love someone as much as she loved... loves, Maggie.

* * *

 

She comes back a year later, her sister is pregnant and has cancer and she has been trying to keep up with Maggie's career so she heard about the trial. Her and Elena broke up about 6 months into their stay in Israel and Sydney continued on there, helping. It was awkward for a time but she couldn't just leave again. She had to stay for a while longer. But her sister was getting sicker and she brought her to Hope Zion, against her parents wishes but with her sisters permission.

And god, did Maggie look good. Her hair was longer, her demeanor stronger, her talent well crafted. She'd done wonders in the last year. And Sydney felt a pang of regret mixed with the happiness she felt at seeing Sydney again.

Short lived as her sister began having pains but turning her head and smiling, seeing Maggie smile back? She warmed inside.

It was hard, she wanted so badly to focus on her sister fully and solely but Maggie being next to her, around her. She was stuck. She'd heard not so quietly from Zach that she was single and had been for a long time, which Sydney took to mean she hadn't been with anyone since herself. She wondered why, Maggie is a beautiful, smart woman and anyone would be lucky to have her. To call her theirs. But she was also relieved. Maybe there was a chance. She knows that is why Zach said it, loudly, when she walked into the doctors lounge.

So she went for it. Told Maggie how she felt, they she thought about her every single day she was in Israel, that she wanted Maggie to know she still wanted to be with her, that there was an option for that, and wanted to know if that was even still an option for herself. And she kisses her again. Sydney realises that this is a general occurrence between the two of them, surprise kisses. No less welcome, however. She tells Maggie everything and then she leaves. Not for good, just for the night.

It takes them a while, a few deep and scary conversations, a box of lost ashes, and Maggie avoiding Sydney but they find their way back to each other.

And then Sydney gets another offer. Further this time than Montreal. London. But she knows that she promised Maggie she wouldn't leave, wouldn't go anywhere without her. But she also knows she can't pass this up. It's a huge offer, an amazing hospital. But she knows Maggie would have to go back to school for a year to work there, if she'd even want to leave. And Sydney would stay. If Maggie asked her to, she would stay. But Maggie wouldn't.

And then Maggie gets a promotion. She gets a dream, her dream, job. And suddenly Sydney can't let her leave. They have to say goodbye again. She tells Maggie that she loves her, for the first time, in the hallway at the hospital before walking away. She knows she could have been more patient but she was so scared.

And she leaves Maggie a note, when she leaves that surgery. A note that she writes in Hebrew. It isn't specifically in hopes that Maggie runs after her but it is subconsciously that. But also a declaration of her feelings.

* * *

 

Sydney can't get on the plane. She tries, even gets to the gate, but as the woman takes her ticket and passport, she realises she can't go. She watches the plane take off and moves towards the entrance of the airport, to leave, to go back to Maggie. When she sees her beautiful girl standing at the departure board, head hanging low, having seen that the plane departed. So she calls to her, goes to her. Smiles, loves, explains it all to her. Hears Maggie tell her she loves her, and she reads her note.

 

_"Shalom, Maggie,_

_Don't urge me to leave you._

_Where you go, I will go,_

_And where you lodge, I will lodge._

_Where you die, I will die,_

_And there I will be buried."_

 

It is a declaration. A commitment. She promises her life to Maggie in that moment and receives the same declaration in return.

 

_"You had me at shalom."_

 

Their life together is just beginning, as they stand in that airport, kissing, laughing, hugging. They have their lives to love one another and to live wherever they want, do whatever they like.

Maggie and Sydney found their soulmate within the other, their epic love. Nothing on earth could change that or destroy that. Not fiancés, or girlfriends, or distance. Nothing did, and nothing will.


End file.
